Understanding Social Anxiety
What Is Social Anxiety?
Social anxiety is the persistent fear of being judged or negatively evaluated, especially in social situations. It goes beyond shyness — it’s a fear that stays with you and can affect confidence, relationships, school, and work.
How Does It Develop?
From childhood, we learn ways to protect ourselves. If your needs weren’t consistently met, you may have formed beliefs such as “I’m unlovable” or “I shouldn’t ask for what I need.”
We absorb family patterns without realising it, often repeating them as adults.
Growing up without emotional support or healthy social interaction can make forming friendships and connections feel overwhelming later in life.
For example:
A parent’s anxiety may lead to overprotection, limiting your independence and comfort with risk.
You may learn to stay small, quiet, or avoid situations that feel uncertain.
Common childhood memories linked to social anxiety include:
Feeling left out at school
Not being invited to parties
Struggling to join groups or find someone to play with
In adolescence:
Not fitting in with the “in-crowd”
Feeling you didn’t have a voice
Struggling to find your place
We often hold onto these painful moments more strongly than positive ones, reinforcing old beliefs about ourselves.
Avoidance — And How It Keeps You Stuck
Avoidance means staying away from situations that trigger uncomfortable thoughts or feelings. This may include:
Ignoring calls
Cancelling plans
Pretending to be ill
Scrolling on your phone at social events to cope
Avoidance brings short-term relief but long-term exhaustion, isolation, and increased anxiety. It keeps you hyper-alert, disconnected, and convinced you can’t handle social moments — even though stepping into them, however imperfectly, is a victory.
What Are Your Fears?
At its core, social anxiety is fear of being “found out” — fear of rejection, humiliation, or exposure.
Common thoughts include:
“People can tell I’m anxious.”
“I’m not interesting enough.”
“I’m not funny / clever / cool.”
These thoughts feel true, but rarely have real evidence. They are often old fears replaying themselves.
Symptoms
Social anxiety can cause:
Blushing, sweating, shaking
Racing heart or panic symptoms
Anxiety or low mood before social events
Fear of speaking, meeting people, or being the centre of attention
These reactions can feel scary, but they are common and manageable.
Your Inner Critic — Friend or Foe?
The inner critic is the voice that pulls you away from the present, bringing guilt, shame, and self-doubt.
It often stems from childhood experiences and becomes an internalised message such as:
“You’re ugly.”
“You’re stupid.”
“You’re different.”
“There’s something wrong with you.”
How to Quiet Your Inner Critic
Notice the voice. What is it saying?
Challenge it. These thoughts are not facts — they are learned responses.
Be compassionate. Reframe your thoughts:
Instead of “I failed, I’m useless,” try “That was difficult, but I did my best.”
Act on your values, not your fears.
The critic may get louder at first, but the more you separate from it and act according to who you want to be, the weaker it becomes.
If you’d like to explore this further, you can contact me via the website: www.skcounselling.co.uk/contact
Recommended Reading & Resources:
How to Be Yourself — Ellen Hendrickson
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) — Brené Brown
Psychology Today – “4 Ways to Overcome Your Inner Critic”
NHS – Social Anxiety resources
Verywell Mind – Reducing avoidance behaviours